Helping children cope with grief
This short article outlines age appropriate grief and ways to talk about and support children in grief and includes links to additional resources.
Supporting children who are grieving can be challenging, and it is important to know that how children understand and respond to loss is tied to their development. Here is a breakdown of children’s developmental grief responses, as well as a list of helpful resources where you can learn more about supporting a grieving child.
Age 2-4
Developmental Stage/ Task
Egocentric. Believe world centers around them. Lack of cognitive understanding of death and related concepts. Limited Language skills.
Concept of Death
Death is seen as reversible, as abandonment, not permanent. Common statements: “Did you know my mom died? When will she be home?”
Grief Response Intensive response but brief. Very present-oriented. Most aware of changes in patterns of care. Asking questions repeatedly.
Signs of Distress
Regression: changes in eating and sleeping patterns, bedwetting, general irritability, and confusion.
Possible Interventions
Short, honest answers, frequent repetition, lots of reassurance and nurturing. Consistent routine. Play is their outlet for grief.
Age 4-7
Developmental Stage/ Task
Gaining a sense of autonomy. Exploring the world outside of self. Gaining language. Fantasy wishing and thinking. Initiative phase seeing self as the initiator. Concerns of guilt.
Concept of Death
Death still seen as reversible. Personification of death. Feeling of responsibility because of wishes and thoughts. Common statements: “It’s my fault. I was mad and wished she’d die.”
Grief Response
More verbalization. Great concern with the process. How? Why? Repetitive questioning. May act as though nothing has happened. General distress and confusion.
Signs of Distress
Regression: nightmares, sleeping and eating disturbed. Possible violent play. Attempts to take on the role of who died.
Possible Interventions
Symbolic play using drawings and stories. Allow and encourage expression of energy and feelings through physical outlets. Talk about it.
Age 7-11
Developmental Stage/ Task
Concrete thinking. Self-confidence develops. Beginning of socialization. Development of cognitive ability. Beginning of logical thinking.
Concept of Death
Death is seen as punishment. Fear of bodily harm and mutilation. This is a difficult transition period, still wanting to see death as reversible but beginning to see it as final.
Grief Response
Specific questions. Desire for complete detail. Concerned with how others are responding. What is the right way to respond? Starting to have the ability to mourn and understand mourning.
Signs of Distress
Regression: school problems, withdrawal from friends. Acting out Sleeping and eating disturbed. Overwhelming concern with body. Death thoughts (desire to join one who died). Role confusion.
Possible Interventions
Answer questions. Encourage expression of a range of feelings. Explain options and allow for choices. Be available but allow alone time. Symbolic plays. Allow for physical outlets. Listen and allow for talk about the death.
Age 11-18
Developmental Stage/Task
Formal operational problem-solving. Abstract thinking. Integration of one’s own personality.
Concept of Death
A more “ADULT” approach. Ability to abstract. Beginning to conceptualize death. Work at making sense of teachings.
Grief Response
Extreme sadness. Denial. Regression. More often willing to talk to people outside of family and peer support. Risk-taking. Traditional mourning.
Signs of Distress
Depression. Anger often towards parents. Suicidal thoughts. Non-compliance. Rejection of former teaching. Role confusion. Acting out.
Possible Interventions
Encourage verbalization. Allow for choices. Encourage self-motivation. Listen. Be available. Do not attempt to take grief away.
If you are in Michigan, visit Ele’s Place https://www.elesplace.org/ to find grief support specifically for children.
More resources:
https://choicemutual.com/kids-bereavment/
https://whatsyourgrief.com/childrens-grief-awareness-day-64/
https://whatsyourgrief.com/smart-parents-guide-to-grieving-children/
